Those dark little moments. We all have them. Right? When we’re at our most tired, when our hormones are being asses or when we’ve not eaten! Feed me always. However they arrive, they do and they cast a long shadow on all that is good. *Picture Mufasa explaining to Simba about everything the light touches..except for the shadowy places, yadda yada..we must never go there.
I wonder though. Should we just give in every now and then, just let that sadness sweep over us, feel all the feelings. Maybe it’s a morbid thought, but I think that it often allows a bit of perspective. A bit of self-reflection. I think self-reflection is incredibly important. I’ve experienced people that have none and I mean none. They will slag off other people and are entirely oblivious of their own behaviour. Thankfully I don’t experience people like this often, but when I do, I wonder how it happens? Do we become so very wrapped up in ourselves that we are blinkered? That we are too kind to ourselves and allow things to slide? One of my fears is to become this type of person. To have unrealistic expectations of the world around me and to pass snide remarks on those that don’t live up to my standard, to not have the wit to think – well they might have something going on in their life that I know nothing about….in writing that, am I being just as bad? Am I being judgey? (Yes that is now a word, it’s been decided).
This is a bit of a random chat to be honest. I’m feeling a bit fraudy, a bit pants and generally a bit miffed. By day I’m normal, by night I’m flat. I’m not looking for someone to pump me up or to magically fix it. Nah, I’ll be grand. I know to allow my head a bit of space and to get some sleep and I’ll be grand. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just fancied a chat and to just be a bit honest I suppose. We all have those days where it becomes a bit much. Where we become overwhelmed by it all, things can seem a bit huge and we are too insignificant to deal with it. It’s grand, it happens us all. Take a deep breath and break it down.
We all have those days where we become over analytical of everything. I just hope it’s not a permanent state of affairs because frankly, that would be sh!t. Why would I want to revert to being a negative, blinkered person. I say revert because I was a negative, blinkered, judgemental ass in my time. One of the many joys of growing older, is slowly growing wiser and if you’re lucky, becoming less judgemental as you learn. I do love the saying – You’ve not lived unless you’ve made yourself a hypocrite. No idea who said it, if you know, please tell me. The sentiment is wonderful. That we live, we learn and we know better for future.
I know, I’m going to get a good night of sleep, that I will get myself up and get on with my mountain of work. I have doubts about some of my work to be honest. I’m struggling on one of my projects, it’s a whole new area for me and I worry that I’m not doing it right, or that I’ve not explained my vision right, so I’m screwing it up. I know when I wake in the morning, it will be fine and I will feel better about it. I will email my client and explain it more clearly, so they don’t think I’m just screwing around. Sigh.
Something worth noting, all of these self-doubts and dark feels can and will become that wee touch more exaggerated when you work for yourself. You don’t have a boss to tell you that you’re doing it right. You don’t have the same feedback loops. You have to figure that shit out for yourself. Don’t worry you will, you just maybe have to establish a new routine or a different support group, or you have to let go a bit more. You are not omniscient. Get over it….and other such things.
Something else that’s been messing up my head is my lack of blogging and vlogging. I do manage to get a weekly video done and I’m slowly getting my blog back. Although I feel left out because I’m not on Twitter much anymore, I feel like a fraud for not keeping up with everyone that I’m friends with. I feel like I’m that unsupportive ass that only gets involved when they want something. Which makes it even harder to then get involved. I’m too busy questioning my motives. When really, I doubt that’s what people think of me. So maybe, to come full circle, after some self-reflection, maybe I should be kind to myself. Mmmm
I was once told by a very intelligent lady that I don’t have to be Superwoman. She was right. I don’t. Just Áine. There’s always tomorrow. It will be colourful and wonderful and it will gradually ease those dark moments away, that’s the plan anyway.